I’ve watched a lot of cheating dramas and movies in my life. My favorite was the famous Korean series titled “The Life of the Married Couple” starring Kim Hee‑ae. That one was intense! It brought all my extreme emotions out, but I’ve always thought, “No, they only happen in the movies”. But boy, was I wrong. So…so…so wrong. I was heartbroken to discover I married a cheating man.
I grew up in a family oriented setup where we were always required to eat together, go on family day outs once a week, always had movie nights, and things like that. My family wasn’t perfect. We’ve had our fair share of bad days too. But I now appreciate, more than ever, the kind of bond that my parents tried to create. My parents had fights too, but never about cheating or third parties. I’ve always looked at their love as something so secure and monogamous, something I wanted so bad for me and my future spouse too. That’s why I was so confused why I ended up with someone who does not even give importance to a family’s bond.
I won’t say that I’m perfect either. But I’ve always strived hard to make the right choices, and in between that process, still managed to commit some mistakes. On my past relationships, I wouldn’t say that I was completely faithful. I’ve talked with other people that my ex wouldn’t have agreed with, if he would’ve known. I’ve done some flirty exchanges with other people aside from my partner back in the past. That, I’m not scared to admit, although I’m never proud of them. But fucking someone else behind my partner’s back? Or meeting someone else in secret? That, I consider way too extreme, and my infidelities in the past (if those even qualify to be called as such) haven’t gotten that far. I believe most of us has committed them at least once or twice in our lives. But I realized that I know these are wrong things to do, and I consciously refused to participate on these kinds of activities, so why do others seem to just act like it’s perfectly okay?
In the past, I knew the reason for my behavior was just because of pure curiosity and a huge personal insecurity. I wasn’t really going in and out of different relationships when I was a teen. I stuck to one guy for six years! And so most of what I did back then just revolves around the thought that maybe there is someone better out there, and wonering how it feels like to be with someone else. The other reason is that, as a teen, I gained all my validation from other people’s attention. And so, knowing that there are multiple men out there who are interested in me gave me a boost in self-confidence. But that was ten years ago.
“I don’t solely blame all these women. They are all equally accountable with my husband for the damage I suffered.”
Fast forward ten years later. I know who I am, what I am capable of, and what I can bring to the table. I know that I deserve a good and faithful spouse because I hold myself to the same level of standard. At 23 years old, I got pregnant and married the father of my child. One year into our marriage, I discovered that my husband was meeting other women behind my back, and talking to them without me knowing. I wouldn’t go into the details, but my husband was cheating on me for three years.
I don’t solely blame all these women. They are all equally accountable with my husband for the damage I suffered. My mental state was in shatters. I lost all my will to look forward to what the future has for me. I hated my own son. I hated myself, and all my imperfections just seemed to blow out of proportion in my own sight. My self-esteem was totally demolished. I just wanted to die everyday just so I can end the pain, but still, I did not and regretted all my decisions every day for a long time.
Despite what he did, my husband admitted to his mistakes, apologized, and promised to never do it again. You might think I’m such a fool to have given him another chance, but raising a son alone scared me. I was completely dependent on him from financial support. I was ashamed to admit to my family that I married a cheating man. It was painful, but it was more painful to think about letting him go. Divorce is not an option in the Philippines. Annulment grounds are hard to prove, and the proceedings are way too costly.
“And in between the cleaning, the studying, and the cooking, thoughts of my husband’s infidelity is there. I still feel like I haven’t gotten any progress in terms of healing.”
Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. I’ve calmed down. I’ve forgiven my husband. But I will never forget all the things I saw and read. I always try to reciprocate my husband’s affections but there’s still that lingering thoughts of infidelity. There are days that I feel disgusted with him, sometimes it makes me feel nauseous. There are days that I just stare into the unknown and think of what would happen if I pack my things and leave right then and there. Still, I think my family is worth saving. Do I know what I’m doing? I don’t.
I returned to carrying out my day to day tasks and chores as a wife, mom, and a student. And in between the cleaning, the studying, and the cooking, thoughts of my husband’s infidelity is there. I haven’t gotten a chance to meet with a therapist, but reliving painful memories is actually a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I still feel like I haven’t gotten any progress in terms of healing. I figured that maybe I just became more accustomed to the thought of it. But there is not one single day that I go through without having to remember the betrayal of the person who committed his loyalty. I know I need professional help, but the cost is just way beyond what I can spare right now.
As the days go by, I can feel that the pain I’ve felt in the beginning regarding losing my husband, is actually starting to fade. I can feel the amount of love I have for him slowly diminishing as time passes. The thought of losing him now doesn’t even seem painful anymore. I think that’s how it goes when you chose to stay because of love. That same reason, which is love that kept you staying, is the same reason that jumps out the window little by little as you continue to live with someone who chose to betray, humiliate, and disrespect you. By this time I don’t even know if I still love him. Or if I’m just afraid of the social stigma of a broken family, a single mom.
Kim Hee‑ae in “Life of the Married Couple”
I don’t have any plans of severing my relationship with him right now. Still, having a complete family is my top priority. But I can feel myself naturally letting go of my husband without even breaking up or having fights. Is this just a phase? I don’t know. What I do know is the amount of damage I suffered because of his cheating may take me years to recover from.
Infidelity inflicts a really deep emotional and mental wound to your partner. It may take more than a lifetime to heal. If you are a cheater reading this, stop. You either stop messing around with this other person, or stop fooling your partner and breakup! I know that I deserved better. What I don’t know, is if I’m doing the right thing by staying and forgiving.
xx
I just recently discovered that my husband cheated on me. He claimed that they did not reached the point of being sexually intimate that all was just an exchange of conversation and they only went out once. It was really hard to accept that my husband did that to me since I placed him in a pedestal so high that I was really broken to accept the fact that he betrayed my trust and chose to forget his vows to me. He admitted and did not deny anything, I decided to give him another chance, and to give our marriage another chance. I totally understand your sentiments, especially in our culture here in the Philippines that there is like an unsaid expectation from women to accept their husbands despite their infidelities’. Maybe we are on the same boat, questioning ourselves if this is the right thing to do. But all I do right now is that I do what I think is right for me. I hope you will heal soon for yourself and for your son. As for me, I am still on the healing process just taking one small step at a time.
thank you so much for sharing your story….we all do what we think is the best choice…I hope you find you closure in the future. So much love <3
The story you have shared is exactly, word for word what’s happening to me right now it all stared two months after the lockdown in 2020. I guess I’m in the acceptance phase right now I feel less hurt I can no longer see us being a complete happy family after all the lies and cheating I can definitely say I’m done, In all the years I thought this family is worth saving but in the process of saving little by little I’ve lost my self, now i choose my peace. i actually learned alot in our relationship. in my opinion you have to go through all the phases in order to finally be free there may be bumps ahead just remember we still have little ones depends on us their love is more than enough. sending hugs!
ps.my estranged husband is my first i was 14 and he’s 18, 24 years together had 2 sons a 10y.o and 3yo . now my fairy tale love story has ended
my heart goes to you…. your story inspired me 🙂 thank you so much for sharing.
Great respect to you for sharing this. It is never an easy thing to open up about these things therefore it was brave of you to do so. I can’t imagine the pain that you’re experiencing. I have a partner and I just caught him microcheating this year. That was not as intense but it still hurt my heart and my self-esteem. But I am grateful for that since it made me understand even a little bit, the pain of the people who have been cheated on and it gave me so much respect for the people who continued on living their lives despite the heartbreak. Just a little rant that I seriously hate people who cheat. It does not matter who they are, how accomplished, or kind they are. I personally think that if a person cheats, it degrades their whole entire being into being just a cheater. I could never fathom how would someone betray another person whose given them their trust. If scammers are being punished, I wish they would be punished too so that before they would feel the even a little bit of the pain and consequence that they have inflicted on other people. Done with the mini rant. I do tend to get angry when a friend, or a person that I respect gets hurt by other people.
Going back, I really think that annulment is the best choice. If not now, then maybe someday. What I can suggest for now is that you could confront him about what you are feeling, tell him about this and have him respect your boundaries. You could also actually end your personal relationship with him and agree to focus on being a good parent instead. This could also serve as test, if he really wants to make his way straight, then he would insist on having a personal relationship with you, but if he agrees with the latter, then that means that you’ve been wise and ended the toxic relationship before it gets worse and cause more damage to you. I know this is not a great advice especially for us Filipinos, but I think it is worse to force something or to fix something that has already been broken. And 3 years? He was not even guilty for those 3 years? And if he hasn’t been caught, would he even confess and change his ways? Tbh I am hating on him right now too. You are such a beautiful, intelligent, wise, and precious lady. (I do watch your videos and tips in Youtube and you are indeed an angel that’s heaven-sent).
If you are thinking about what your son, I think if you’ll be able to explain it well to him someday, he will understand. I grew up in a broken household and I only live with my mother. I still meet with father from time to time. Despite that they do not have romantic involvement with each other anymore, but I am still grateful to have parents. They also explained it well to me that’s why I never sulked or thought negatively about it. Times are also changing. Having a complete family does not necessarily mean happy children. It still depends on the love that the parents give to their children.
Anyway, I am just trying my best to give these suggestions because I care. You don’t have to do it but I am just sharing my unpopular opinion. I might delete it because of the mini ran. Lol. But I hope that you’ll be able to read this and know that you are not alone.
But if you do choose to stay with him, please choose to love yourself and your son more. Focus on yourself and on your child. Sending love and hugs.
Thank you so much! Time has passed and I still cannot forget what he did. I decided to stay together because his family is well off so I can take my time saving all my income while we’re using his money. I’ve changed a lot now, I know I can walk away anytime. I can see that he’s changed too. We’re both different now. I guess you can say I’m in the stage where I’m waiting for him to f up again so I can finally walk away and say that I gave him a chance but he wasted it. I hope you make decisions that are true to your heart with your situation as I did with mine. I learned to never judge anyone with their decisions because we all have different reasons and situations. At the end of the day, I am a big believer that those who have PURE INTENTIONS will never lose in life, everything that happens to them are part of the big picture where they will eventually get what they deserve. I cannot tell what my future is or how long I’m going to stay married with him. But I believe that the universe is ALWAYS working in my favor and I will get what I deserve, and you will too! Stay as you are, pure, good, loving, and kind, and take the lesson with you. Much love!