I Miss My Pre Mom Self

I Miss My Pre Mom Self

It has been a year and seven months since I’ve been a mom. As I look back, it has been the shortest amount of time that has given me a lot of big changes. I got married and gave birth at 23 years old. To some, it sounds like just the right time to start a family. But was it, really? I figured that we are never really prepared no matter how much ready we think we are. 
Me and my newborn
My life had a 360-degree turn when I became a mom. Even before the COVID-19 pandemic hit hard, I was already stuck in the house caring for my newborn. I couldn’t eat on time. I couldn’t pee or poo whenever I wanted. I couldn’t sleep even if I needed to, badly. I lacked the emotional support that I needed. My hormones are all over the place and I just felt awful over-all. The whole experience really got me down on my knees. I felt defeated. There are times that my emotions just starts to build up and then I start feeling resentful towards my own child. This life is totally a different one, a hard one.

I miss going out with friends and staying out whenever I wanted too.

Now, I just can’t leave whenever I want. I have to find someone to take over and look after my baby if I ever wanted to go out. That means I had to burden someone else with my responsibility, which makes me feel guilty. And why would I want to go out? I look really awful. So I’m stuck in a place where I had no choice but to stay. Am I thankful? Yes. Do I feel good? No.

I miss those late movie nights, and late brunch mornings.

Now, I can’t sleep if my son is awake. I have to match his sleep schedule. I have to sleep when he sleeps, so I have the energy to look after him when he wakes up…plus all the other chores on top of that. If I stay up late and my son wakes up early, I am so done for.


I miss dressing up.

So I am stuck at home with no reason to dress up. On top of that, my old clothes don’t fit me anymore. My whole body and appearance just seemed to change so drastically that when I look back on my old photos, it just makes me emotional….that girl died. This is me now – stretchmark and belly pooch ridden. Instead of make up making me look fresh and young, it just seems to make me look more like a tired prostitute.

I miss running my own life.

Basically, I am now a slave to my little human. I don’t dictate my schedule, my child does. Heck, I don’t even get to decide my sleep schedule, he does! I will be up when he needs me to be up. I will be on constant service for whatever he needs. If you still think that looking after a tiny cute baby is no big deal, then you are so misinformed. I just miss the old boring days when I can lay down whenever I wanted to. 
Being a mom should never be looked down on. I was only able to appreciate my own mom when I became a mom myself. The sleepless days and nights, the forced selflessness, the pressure to be perfect. It’s just so damn hard! 
I know that my son did not choose to be born. He doesn’t owe me anything, but I owe him everything. And that’s what I’m always trying to do. But in between doing motherhood duties, I know that I also occasionally fail. I just realized how important the role of mothers are in rearing decent and upright individuals for the community in the future. If you are not ready for that responsibility, don’t be a parent. 
Still, motherhood is a blessing. It is hard and it has brought the worst in me. But, it has also brought the best in me. I’ve experienced the best changes in my life right now in the shortest time because I became a mother. 


One Is Enough For Me

I do not look forward to having another child in the future at the moment, because I know that I don’t deserve another angel in my care. I just hope that aspiring parents would make more planned and informed decisions on parenting in the future. 
One thing that I would also like to spread awareness on, is to stop the mentality that creating a family of our own should be the end goal for every individual to be called as successful. What use is a family if the foundation is not love, willingness, and happiness? Families are continuously deteriorating. Why? Because individuals who are incapable of creating a lifetime commitment are building families just because they are expected to. Stop this!

Final Thoughts

There is so much more to life than marriage and building families. It’s time to be selfish! Know your passion, and pursue what you love. And if that so happens to be “not settling down” then so be it. Your own happiness and mental health must come first than any other society-imposed standards. An individual who is self-fulfilled can be able to make a more positive impact to the community where he resides.
For now, I cannot turn back time. But I will stand by my responsibility to rear a decent and value-driven human being that can fend for himself, as well as advocate for the world that we live in today. No matter how  much hardships motherhood has brought me, the love of a mother will never change. 

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