You can’t change him. When you love a person and you start seeing him shed off his mask and show you who he is, what you can do is make a choice.
To accept him for who he is, one hundred percent; or, to walk away, build yourself back up and be with someone who’s going to treat you better.
For the person I loved, it was easy to choose. And so I made the first choice. But it was a relentless battle I had to fight through everyday between what I’m getting and what I deserve.
For all those times, I’ve been very naive. I found myself in a relationship, the kind that I never imagined myself to be into: an unlabeled one. It didn’t really matter because I loved him, with every bit of my soul and every piece of my broken heart. Sincerely. Deeply. I still do. But love, no matter how strong, can’t save you from the pain, insecurity, paranoia and anxieties of an undefined relationship.
There is no perfect relationship, there will always be issues, and fights. But this is one that came with a lot of lessons.
Both of us had interfering pasts and presents, it was toxic and unhealthy. Arguments sometimes turn into violent and hurtful encounters. And I found out that he cheated on me, multiple times with multiple women, on different occasions. For all these things, I chose to forgive and we always managed to make up and reconcile. Because there is no sin in this world that can keep you from forgiving the person whom you hold so dearly in your heart, even if it is the same person who broke it in the first place. And you don’t just ditch someone when an inconvenience pops out, you fight side by side, you work it out and keep choosing each other no matter how rough the tide gets. I was full of hope, that someday things will change, and things will get better.
But let me tell you, it never did.
Turns out, I was the only one making a choice. And he? He kept his options open, never settles, his eyes kept on searching, because of reasons I don’t care about knowing anymore. Sure, he leads me to fancy dates and occasionally offers gifts. But no amount of extravagant dates or expensive gifts can overcome the reassuring power of honesty, loyalty, consistency, and commitment.
I may not be looking like it, but these past few months have burdened me with a really heavy heart. I may not be physically doing a lot throughout my day, but I lay at night feeling exhausted and tired from all the emotional trauma and anxiety I’ve been trying to suppress. And I think it’s time to come into terms with myself. To let go of people who keeps on hurting me, disrespecting me, and leading me with false hopes. To accept that no matter how much I give, I won’t be enough for people who keeps on looking elsewhere. I’m not writing to sweep all the blame on his side. I, too, have fell short of some things and I take responsibility for every mistake I committed, and for every time I hurt him too.
For the last time, before I close this chapter, I forgive him. For everything he did, and everything he failed to do. Not because he deserves it, but because I deserve peace. And this time, my forgiveness will not be for reconciliation, but for me to finally let go of those arms that once kept me warm. To abandon the home that no longer holds anything for me, taking and keeping all the best memories and precious moments of his sincerity in the hollows of my broken heart. No matter how much I want him to be the person to spend the rest of my life with, it’s time to walk away, with my sanity still intact. I’m making the second choice.
Now let me tell you this:
A man who takes you seriously would never put you in a position where you need to compete for his attention or try hard for his validation.
A man who is ready to be in a relationship and to take the responsiblities that follow is a man who is busy working on himself and not impressing his options. And he will make sure you know it right from the start.
A man who truly loves you will never let other females clown over you, by flirting with them. Or embarrass you by keeping you a secret while you are treating him like a revelation.
If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t confuse you. Real men know who and what they want and go for it. Weak men will ask you to lead them through the darkness, then let go of your hand when they find the light.
Relationships are not about finding the right person, but about choosing someone who is willing to be the right person for you, and who you are willing to be the right person for, in return. It is a matter of hardwork, and persistence. But for two people who share the same hope for the future, it will be possible.
When you commit, you have chosen your soulmate. And it is the duty of the both of you to work and exert effort to keep it that way. You stop looking, and start creating. It takes two to row the boat.
I learned all these things in a hard, lengthy, and painful process. Nevertheless, I will still put my heart on the line, but now with courage to demand for what I deserve, and strength to walk away if unheard. Because I know my soulmate is still out there searching for and dying to start spending the rest of his life with me. But for now, let me be my own hero.
xx
